Well now that's a bummer.

About this time of year everybody starts doing year in review shit. I won't waste my 3 readers time by doing such a thing I will reflect on a real bummer I ran across the other day. I was riding a very under used south Atlanta MTB trail the other day and ran across a dude who was also riding. It was one of the few times I have seen another rider on the trails at the beach or Clayton County International Park. It was the sight of the 1996 olympic beach volleyball tournament. Somewhere along the way some guys carved out an alright set of trails with some county support many many years ago.

These trails have maintained on and off by a various person or people. Nothing ever coordinated and I don't think the county really care that these trails exist except when they have to do their annual "Trail of terror" Halloween thing. I had ridden these trails a fair amount when I first moved to Georgia and even did some trash clean up while I was there. I moved from the county for school and have not been there in prob about a year or so. These trails are about ten minutes off I-75 and 15 minutes from 1-675 on HWY138. It's not a destination MTB trail. One problem is that these trails are not really maintained and poorly marked. Besides that the local SORBA chapter has decided to invest it's time into trails that are used more often which means anything north of I-20.

Don't worry I'm getting to the bummer part.

I'm just a little surprised that these very local trails just are not ridden that much considering the neighborhood they're located close to. I really wanted to get these on the map when I first moved here, life got in the way and along those lines I prob upset some folks somehow. Despite neglect and poor maintenance and a shit ton of tennis courts that hardly get used the small trail system lives on. I digress. Anywho this dude whom I'd never seen before gave me the local scoop since I really don't keep up with things like that.

He told me that the Epic Bikes shut their doors for good back in the early fall. Now that was a real bummer. I tried to support the shop as much as i could and often dropped by just to drop off beer to the guys. I don't know the whole story. I won't risk to speculate, I just know from my limited reading that it ain't easy being a specialized dealer. Let's face it those cats are known in the cycling community for being a bit heavy handed when it comes to their business. I liked the shop and the owner and the guys who worked there. I truly wish them all the best in their future endeavors.

I was also told about how the county is going to put in a "test" paved bike path of a few miles. Which is frightening because as I was riding the trails I saw hundreds of trees marked with engineers tape which means they'll be cut down. There is apparently some master plan it's just been my experience being a native of this county that traditionally they are not very good with the follow through.

This little park lost a fair amount of money over the summer when they closed down the water park located there and the "muscle beach" fitness center. Like I said there is a opportunity for great development of the trails and facilities there it's just that no one is interested. I tried when I first moved there, I was not taken seriously.

There was some good news one is that I noticed that the trails were getting marked. It seems like a local retired dude is going through the trouble of doing this arduous task. The trail system IS confusing with dead ends and a shitty off camber switch back. I don't know about the mapping at least someone is trying there. At this point I know someone should say "Well bro if this place needs that much love why not step up?!" I tried like I said before and it did not work out too well. I decided that if anything were to happen then maybe the dude who lived in Colorado for so long should shut the hell up and let things run their course. I have and they are.

Other good news is that Chiplote opened near these very same trails. I know it's not an Illegal Pete's, it's still a descent burrito from a Colorado company. Yes, yes, I know it's a corporate chain just ya gotta cut me some slack here. I find Colorado where I can now a days.

Does this make a difference in my day to day riding life? Not really I don't live up that way anymore. I hate to say this but I do live closer to a much better trail system now with out all the crazy politics of Clayton County. It is what it is as they say here.

I have not ridden lately because of the holidays and a lingering semi-cold which I am trying to fight off at the moment with plenty of rest. I may go out for a spin either on the 31st or 1st. I'll see how I feel.  Thanks for reading.

Inspiration on a Sunday morning

 This morning I woke up with the thought that if I put a solar panel on the camper shell of the truck that it would make a fair amount of wind noise when I was driving. "A faring" I thought as I sat on the edge of the bed rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "Nah, well maaayyybee...if I put it on a rail system like for a bike rack, shit that would cost some money though." I trundled to the bathroom and took a leak while looking out the window on an incredibly rainy day.

I ran out of coffee and am brewing up some Irish breakfast tea with a little honey. My throat is a little scratchy because of some sort of funk I caught either at work or from youngest nephew's cousin who has to put his mouth on everything he touches which is strange for a 13 year old kid. I digress.

I'm sitting in front of my laptop and was looking for a little bit of morning inspiration to help me rocket through the day. I think I found it over at semi-rad:





I should be worrying over the upcoming semester and changing majors at age 44 but I am not. I have a bit over a week and a half until school starts. Instead I am thinking of the open road. How to prepare for it and how to pull it off. I'm trying to think of which two bikes to bring, how things should fit in the truck how to make it a better home for an extended period of time. How do I pull off being a dirt bag mountain biker, because frankly I'm tired of being a responsible adult.

My own answers I have discovered do not lie on the "traditional" path. The wife and kids ship sailed long ago. I don't think I'll ever own a house nor have a real 401k or have the camaraderie that I have so fleetingly in my professional life or rise above the current position I'm in. If you think about it in the context of glass half full then it's sad. I don't I think of it as that in my own way I am free to make my own choices with little worry of their ramifications. I've done enough good in my life to reward myself in some small way everyday until I pass on into the great beyond.

I cracked a big smile watching the video and close my eyes thinking of the great American west and all that it holds. Could I ride Buffalo Creek and the Colorado Trail one last time? Will I be able to stand at the edge of the Pacific and realize that to us all the vast ocean makes us all feel so small? Will I ever make it to the Northwest ever again?

I know that plans rarely see the light of day. The plan is that there is no plan and to only prepare. When the time comes it will make itself known and then the adventure can begin.Thanks for reading.

Final thoughts on xmas

                                     Can you tell who is most distressed? And about to vomit?

So ends the xmas holiday season of 2014. Thank heavens it's over. Thanks for reading.

Holiday movies

I'm not one for the common holiday movies. Yes I do have a soft spot in my head (yes, I said head) for A Christmas Carol. Back in DenCo some friends and I would go to the play every year, it was honestly great fun. See, I got some culture dammit. And yes "It's a wonderful life" after so long can come off as trite and saccharine. It's a holiday classic for sure, just now a days not so much my cuppa Joe. Then comes what has become a pop culture fave over the years "A Christmas Story" a fine movie in it's own right it just lacks the dirt under the fingernails feel I like.

Don't even get me started on "Santa Clause" or any of the idealized xmas fair that splashes itself across our screens during the silly season.

So what the hell do I like in a holiday movie?

Well dear readers (both of you) I tend to jump on the way back machine to the 80's. I was a teenager during a majority of the 80's and with that bit of info you can see how I'd lean towards that era. Three holiday flicks come to mind the first reminds me to a small degree of my holiday travels back to the A-T-L during this time of year. The hilarious "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"

The next couple let's say are a bit more gritty and to a degree stretches the holiday genre a bit. I ask that you open your minds because well unlike most holiday movies these concern an always male favorite of gun play and large explosions.

That's right the first installment in the Lethal Weapon series. When I was a teenager I liked the flick because frankly it was an action flick unlike anything I had seen before. As I have gotten older I see a deeper context to the movie than what I saw when I was a rotten teenager. Riggs is damaged and even flawed character and to a great degree a lost dirt bag. We see that in the regular cut of the film. In the directors cut we get to see the more lonely side of him. Do yourself a favor and watch the directors cut and you'll see what I mean. The story is one of redemption and acceptance. Although Riggs is a basket case he's accepted by a warm and loving family. Most of the format of holiday movies follow this formula LW1 does this plus there is a bunch of gun play and martial arts.

"Die Hard" is also a story of redemption (a common theme for xmas film) I won't bore you with the plot, we all know it by now and man the film is packed with a fuck ton of action. What more is there to say about such a uber-film? It's about xmas right? Absolutely. There is snow (cocaine) plenty of lights (Ho..ho..ho..now I have a machine gun) and plenty of holiday cheer "ARRGH...I WANT BLOOD!" what more could you ask for in a flick?

Now am I forgetting others? Absolutely. I saw "All is Bright" the other night and found it a worth while rental. Naturally there are childhood faves (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer) that are worth watching again and again. There is also "Trading Places" another 80's movie and along the more historical a personal fave "The Crossing". Let's not forget "Scrooged" and "Bad Santa"

For those of us who are not christrans it can be a tough thing to find some holiday entertainment that does not rub our noses into the "reason for the season". Which brings up a fave thing I like to post this time of year:

I also have not posted any holiday cleavage just yet..so here ya go:

Thanks for reading.

Xmas 'nuff said.

Maah Daah Hey

Mountain Biking on North Dakota's Maah Daah Hey Trail from Gear Junkie on Vimeo.

It's a trail I have dreamed of riding since I read about a few years ago. I even have the map sitting on my shelf beside my guide books at the house. The trail is around 96 miles long and can be done in a couple to a few days. When will I get up there? Well I really do not know. It's a thought to do it over the summer if I decide to go out that way. Anyways solo MTB distance "bike packing" is what it's all about.

It's a nice distraction from the holiday season. Thanks for reading.

Also don't look at this it's bicycle equivalent to porn

Waiting for the temprature to rise..... my temprature is rising.

With a promised high temp in the 60's today, I'm waiting for the old thermometer to warm up it gives me a chance to reflect on holiday obligations. I had the chance to go to an old neighborhood friend's holiday/bday party this past weekend. It was as usual a very awesome affair although there was a lack of single women there was plenty of beer. It's always good catching up with the old neighborhood friends. This party was not an obligation if I showed up cool if not then that was fine too. Although I felt awkward at first after a bit I settled in, a little bit of beer helps.

As we march towards the xmas holiday the obligation meter starts to get pegged. Big sis is having her usual thing on xmas. Then there is Oldest nephew who has decided to have his own thing on xmas eve.  Naturally everyone wants you to show up. I'm going to agree with my own mother for once and say that frankly I'd rather be by myself than have to drive all over the south side of Atlanta over those couple of days. And I mean drive, I won't get into the logistics of it all it gives me a headache just thinking about it. After the 2nd police check point and the several near misses with impaired or distracted drivers it makes me wonder if it is worth it.

Whatever happened to just chilling out at your own place and having a movie marathon of sorts while getting slightly buzzed on holiday drinks? An old ex-girlfriend is smart like that.

I decided that a possible simple solution is to go camping & mountain biking over those couple of days (24th and 25th) and "forget" my cell phone. By doing that I figuratively stick my finger in my family's eye on the holiday. I don't need to be around a bunch of relatives to feel alone over the holidays I can feel alone quite well all by myself thank you. If I disappeared over a holiday feelings would be hurt and then comes the head splitting hand wringing that comes with family. I have not decided what I am going to do just yet. I frankly want the whole damn mess to be over with.

This hanging over my head explains my increasingly foul mood. I explain it like this. Not only do I work my shifts I also stay at mom's place more and more. Let's face it spending time in the house where your Father died and where your Mother is a shut in is depressing. I cannot cough in that house without getting a knock on the door asking me if I'm ok. There is a whole element to Big sis's place over the holiday that concerns youngest nephew whom I'll start calling Lazy 8. That should explain it well enough when it comes to certain things.

I'm just glad I don't buy gifts anymore. I'd really lose my shit then.

I think next year I will just announce that I'm going camping someplace here in the southeast or say I have to work and just show up on those days and tell the job that I'd rather be there than with family. Why can't we just enjoy each other throughout the year without all this damn pretense?

To sum it up this is how foul my mood is concerning the next 10-11 days:

Yup this had nothing to do with riding, more with the "Head full of weird"

Thanks for reading.

 

Cool weather returns

I got up this morning and checked the weather it is now around 40 degrees. Yes I know in the grand scheme of things not that cold.  I'm going to go ride today no doubt I just know it's going to be a slightly chilly one. Fortunately I have not given away or gotten rid of most of my winter cycling gear. I have found that keeping my knees covered helps out with some aches later on.

I also have my chrome knickers that I bought on super clearance a few years ago oddly enough they still fit. I don't really need to bust out the heavy duty stuff like the endura jacket or my old quite worn ground effects jacket. Both are ultra warm and have stood the test of time. Then the jerseys and arm warmers. There has been some elastic breakdown in my old knee and leg warmers which makes me sad cause I wore them SOOO much back in DenCo.

Speaking of jackets I did have small surprise the other day when I found my old bike beat wind jacket. I found this thing for under 10 bucks at veloswap in DenCo years and years ago. I should post a pic, I just won't cause I don't want to go thru the trouble. I wore and wore this thing until the elastic in the wrists gave out. Then I had a buddy's sister fix it. Well I THOUGHT she was going to fix it. Instead of using good elastic she put rubber bands into the wrist which lost their elasticity in very short order. I should have taken it to a professional seamstress and paid. I chose free and I got what I paid for. At least I got the jacket back. The bike beat wind jacket is just...damn weird. It has to be seen with things like "Pets or meat" anarchy symbols and smiley faces printed on it it just gives off a very punk rock vibe. It's orange and white. I love that wind jacket, damn I need to get it fixed (writing note to self)

Onto another tangent...the holidays.

We're humming along pretty well here.

I have intentions on working on a couple of gifts, I just really need to knuckle down give it a day and get shit done. Yes it would be easier to go out and buy shit. I just am just following the holiday path Reverend Billy has set down. I think the only gift I will buy is an angel for Mom. The one I gave last year was a hit so I'll stick with that theme. Alrighty I gotta wrap up get loaded up and head to the trail. one last holiday thought:

The unforgettable movie "Trading Places" If I remember I'll post movies in which I think are true manly holiday classics. I gotta tell you polar express and little drummer boy ain't even in the running.

Thanks for reading.

Mileage Monster

I was on the trail a little while ago and had a trail side conversation with a fellow rider. It was a damn fine day to be riding. I was huffing it out on the single speed and ran across this dude on a great full suspension rig.

I'm a hard tail steel kinda guy, I won't rule out a carbon or suspension bike (I own a carbon road bike) Honestly I'm not some sort of hard tail steel snob I just cannot afford a suspension bike that I want which is the awesome Yeti 575. Ranging from 3500-10 grand depending on the grupo you want to go with. Even at the low end it's out of my price range. I do have an old friend in Colorado who prob could swing me a last year's demo bike if I was not picky about color and such still I don't have the funds for such awesomeness at the moment. I digress though.

We got to talking and he told me that he'd been riding this particular trail system for over a decade and logged "over 20,000 miles" there. Then he went on to tell me he had logged many more miles on his nice suspension rig. He asked me how many miles I have put in. I had a simple answer which was "I don't keep up with that kinda thing." Sure there was a time when I really kept on top of my miles then I got here to Georgia and just went "Meh" on the whole thing.  It no longer became important to put in the miles it was quality not quantity I'm looking for now. Besides that I did not have the Colorado Trail system at my feet to jump on when ever I please. My other thought was that as a Soul Rider you point the bike down the trail and go mileage and strava be damned the point is to have fun.

I'm sure I could keep up with the miles easily enough on the cell phone or other bit of technological whiz bangery it's just not that big a deal with me when mountain biking on a loop type trail system. Road biking yeah I can see the importance otherwise not so much.

I'm not bashing this rider. He was a totally nice guy we just have different priorities when it comes to mountain biking. I rarely race I think the last time I was in a MTB race was back in 2004 at 24 hrs of Moab. My view is that on my death bed I'm not going to remember that I logged tens of thousands of miles, what I'll reminiscence on is the rides. The near endless (and wonderful!) Telluride to Moab with friends, riding all those times up on the Colorado Trail and Buffalo Creek camping out on the trail. Riding the high country on part of the 10th mountain division trail, Tsali, Dupont and Pisgah in North Carolina. I'm not looking for the miles, I'm looking for the adventure.

Thanks for  reading.

Yada...pedal...yada...pedal...yada...pedal some more.

You may be familiar with Yada, yada, yada from Seinfeld:

I mention this because yapping during a ride or a run for that matter irks me. It is one of the central reasons that really except for rare occasions that I prefer to ride or run alone. Now the exception being bring a friend new to mountain biking along or when SBC and I were roommates back forever ago in Colorado. He and I had the same view about not yapping during a ride.We were trail buddies and understood one another pretty darn well

I wanna REALLY be in my own head when I am riding and let's be honest here I need every extra breath I can get while being physically active. It gives me a chance to expel some of my inner demons for a little while and sing songs in my head to myself. Someone talking to me and expecting a conversation in return is going to be disappointed in my behavior during a ride. I'm looking at the trail and doing my thang. I'm not opposed to trail side conversations or even post ride chit-chat. During a ride not so much. I'm a soul rider and a majority of the time a sole rider.

I was at a local trail that I frequent a bit more often now. I'm a different person and a bit of an enigma I suppose. My bikes have gotten a fair amount of attention because I suppose they're not what you see normally at the trail head or on the trail. Which is normal for a MTB type to notice what the other person is riding. I tend to keep to myself, I'll be friendly when approached at the trail head or trail side and carry on a conversation.

I was JRL (just riding along) when I passed a couple of guys. They said Hello and I returned the greeting. As I was riding past one said "Oh wow a voodoo" to which I replied "Steel is real!" I then went into the big ring to get some momentum before the next climb. Imagine my surprise when I hear someone flying up behind me and saying something a couple of minutes later. It was one of the guys I just passed trail side. I did not stop then because I did not want to carry on a conversation. I'm not being snobby I am just wanting to ride. This rider who caught up to me (it's not that hard to do) is wanting to talk. He says he owned a voodoo way back when and how they were nice steel frames. It sounds like he knows a bit and I would have loved to talk to him about it, problem is that I'm riding.

He tells me he saw me the other day on another section of the trail and that he's ridden every day for the last week. He seems like a generally interesting dude and could probably grind me into paste. My convo is minimal because I'm riding and not blabbing. I'm not in as good of shape as this guy I need all my lung capacity. We come to a fork in the trail, I decide that I'm going to go on the side of the fork that he is NOT going because I want to ride and not chat. He says he's going one way and I tell him "See ya later bro."

I got the distinct feeling that he thought I was snubbing him. I wasn't, so it goes.

I get chatted up a little at the trail head. I had one dude who I have seen a fair amount ask me how many bikes I own. Which oddly enough I ALWAYS have to think about, which is five. Not bragging if it was not for my short stint in a couple of different bike shops then It would probably be two. I'm reluctant to swill beer at the trail head because I'm not sure about the locals even though I've been going there long enough to be considered local now myself. Beer tends to make you wanna hang out after a ride and chat. Alcohol is funny that way.Besides that it's a hassle and expense to stop by the store and buy beer on top of that I can't keep it at any of the places I live at because any alcohol despite a minimal consumption is frowned upon. This is not about my personal beer deficit though. Let's move onto the weather shall we...

Today has a lot of promise. For all my moaning and complaining about Georgia I can't complain about the December weather at the moment:

As opposed to the old 303 area code:

Yesterday evening I was grilling out in shorts and a short sleeve shirt in 70 degree weather. Sure I brag now. You'll be hearing me bemoan the weather the instant a little bit of snow hits the ground around here then it's snow apocalypse for anyone in the southeast.

I'll wrap up here I'm going to head back to the trail and ride the kona today. Thanks for reading.

Oh I forgot my holiday greeting:

The holidays are upon us...again

The holiday season (aka the silly season). It's a time for family get togethers and in many cases xmas shopping. Big sis, BIL and youngest nephew along with his cousin (unrelated to me) all piled in the mini van and headed out to do black friday.

Meanwhile I stayed in slept late, watched some TV, ate what was left of pecan pie and turkey dressing. I then worked on the Voodoo some. Since working big retail years ago I saw up close the ugliness of black friday. I admit it seems to have considerably ramped up over the years and be much worse for the normal retail worker, especially with most everything being open on thanksgiving.

In my view the holidays should be about GIVING and not BUYING. To that end often I chose not to really participate in the insanity of holiday shopping. yeah yeah I know the economy needs it and all that shit seriously it's often consumerism at it's ugliest. I know I fall on this trip every year and I get the "Well you don't have kids, so xmas ...yadda yadda yadda..."

I have stated before and will time and again that you should not need one specific day on the calender to give something to someone to show that you care. You should do that at anytime of the year. I practice what I preach here dear friends. That's why people get random gifts and acts of kindness out of me during the year.

I am of the thought that if you're going to give something for the holidays it should be made by hand. I'm not talking some elaborate thing just something simple. In the very least if you have to go to the store it's for supplies to make something not the ends to a means. If you make something and give it to me it means more and I figure it's the same with most everyone, there are exceptions of course.

During this holiday season as usual with this blog I'll show my irreverence for the holiday. If you get a gift it means I actually made time to finish up a project or two or three.

How does this fit in with BOSAHFOW? Well it's the "head full of weird" portion you're dealing with just now.

Still under the banner of weird my current fave song:

Yes, it's brutal and if you're squeamish hard to watch. Remember I have a very gallows humor so I saw the funny side of it.

Now onto cycling.

As mentioned earlier I worked on the Voodoo some yesterday. I realized that I have hardly ridden it as of late and reflected on it. I took it out for a spin and realized once I got back to the garage that compared to my other bikes the bars were way short. I realized that I had these bars on one of my version of a city cross check and cut the bars a bit short to avoid breaking my hand again on car mirrors while splitting lanes. These bars were fine riding in an urban environment not so great when climbing when you need to leverage especially when your single speeding or in my case a fat middle aged MTB type.

My first choice was to go carbon. I'm no money bags and figured I could find NOS ones in my stem size on the ebays for cheap. No such luck. Because of my only occasional attention I give to the trends in the bicycle industry now I missed the boat on the whole converting to 31.8 for carbon bars and regular old stems. Not wanting to spend the money on a new stem 9because of certain budgetary constraints) I decided to stick with aluminum or steel riser bars. The brand I prefer is Salsa they are a quality outfit and been around for awhile now I've never had a problem with their parts (knock wood). Naturally I could not find 25.4 salsa aluminum bars that were not cut down to bare nubs by hipsters. Then on to my second choice Ritchey. I fell into the Ritchey stuff at the bike shop I use to work it. We had a lot of it so naturally a stem or two make it onto a bike. Never had a prob with the stuff so (knock wood) I'll give their bars a try. I found on the ebays an affordable set of bars that were NOS and got them. I did not cut them down even a little because I figure right now I can use all the leverage I can get.

The bike is all dusted off and ready to ride today. I confess that I gotta get the bikes out of the garage. I moved them there because I live down here. BIL does a fair bit of wood working in there and saw dust gets on everything. It seems the bikes have to constantly migrate in the garage. For a big two car garage there ain't much room in there. Not complaining it's just an observation. I'm thinking on moving the bikes to the basement and doing like a pallet bike rack thing with some tarps. I have not sketched it out the idea would be similar to a yard stash just a whole lot cheaper and using some things that are inexpensive or what we got lying around. I have about 6 weeks left of free time until school starts again. I need to organize thoughts and make a crazy person board :



I got the space and I've made the effort to put some thoughts onto 3x5 cards instead of post its. I'm just not going to do that today. I got mild weather brewing up and a hankering to ride over at Dauset despite how many people are going to be there today. Oh and one final holiday thought:

  Thanks for reading.

Tempting

I was day dreaming about my fave seasonal beer earlier, Isolation Ale. Sinse NOW as I write this it is flowing through taps in many a growler store and bar in the Rocky Mountain area. Naturally I went to the Odell site and gaze upon it in all it's Ft. Collins glory. On a whim I checked jobs I then spied with my little eye the above screen shot. Naturally of course I'm REALLY tempted to turn in a resume and cover letter and roll the dice. Knowing my luck I'd get the job. Seriously it would not be the first time I got a job from two time zones away.

Someone told me that people in my line of work have a fantasy about leaving their field. To that I say who doesn't? Seriously show me anyone in most any job where they don't think working at the beach selling sea shells or towels (or a brewery doing warehouse work for that matter) When I worked in a bike shop which was great at times and at others I was out of my mind with the sheer drudgery of separating hubs. So why the hell not?

Well in my life I have learned that the grass is always greener metaphor. I moved to Colorado from a warmer climate before in November and although I ended up staying for 14 years those first few months were a bit chilly. It's fun to think about at the moment just the scramble to make arrangements to get out there would be monumental.

I did learn with my online research that once I get a bachelors in biology degree that I could apply to be a entry level brewer at most any place in the country. How does that grab ya? Me thinks that's just fine. Well it's a thought at least.

There is a definite chill in the air gonna to drop to below freezing here tonight. Imagine that Georgia is finally getting a little taste of winter. I sure could use some Isolation Ale from O'dells. I've said the same thing for the last five years wished for a Colorado or west of the Mississippi friend to stealthily send me some. Perhaps that's asking a bit much, I'll look into beer trading here in the near future.

I got plenty of other projects lined up. Maybe I'll go out and s/s once it warms up into the 50's tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

Kona

The Kona Lava Dome (single speed) has been with me for quite some time. Most of it started out as a Voodoo Hoodoo frame that was way too small for me. I rescued the Voodoo Hoodoo (this is the OG version of the late 90's early 2000's) from a garage some place and slapped some parts I had from other bikes which made for a terrible high geared s/s that was way too small. I could not part with the Hoodoo frame because it was at the time now part of the history of a then defunct bike company.

I finally had a pal that worked in a bike shop with me who was fairly short and fit the frame. I gave to him happily, maybe a six pack of microbrew beer was involved. In any case I was single speedless and winter was creeping up on us in the 303 area code at the time. I loved single speeds in the winter because you did not have to worry about snow and ice getting clogged up in derailleurs and such plus with low gearing and proper snow tires you could ride most anything. This was around 2005-2006 time the time way before fat bikes became oh so popular.

I worked in a bike shop with a to put it the best way a temperamental owner who was not on his best behavior until he had a few drinks in him. Then he could be very giving. We got paid shit, we did get paid in cash under the table and got the benefit of being to buy everything the shop could get ordered or have in stock at COST. With winter at our elbows and the Hoodoo frame gone I had my eye on this oldish Kona "Lava Dome" steel frame up on the wall. No one paid any attention to the poor thing. Single speeds were really taking off and despite my co-workers urging and not getting a surly 1x1 I wanted to get the Kona and build it up with what I had lying around and what I could scrounge out of the shop.

The shop owner knew I wanted the Kona frame and graciously one night GAVE it to me during a post work suds session on the condition that I never sell it or give it away. If I decided to get rid of it I was to give it back to the shop ASAP. Where it would find a place back on the wall. Very nice of him and to this day I greatly appreciate it still.

So the frame went home and in the next week or two it got built up with the help of my bike shop co-workers. I had a winter bike. The bike hung around for a long time its main purpose was mainly as an urban s/s beater. I'd use it for snowy days and bike soccer over at civic center park in DenCo. It hardly saw dirt because I did not own a car and when I wanted to MTB I'd ride to the trail head someplace real far away which did not make the s/s very logical. I kept it and it made the move with me out to Georgia.

Once I got back to Georgia (2009) I nearly instantly shipped it up to Mayday an old friend who was living in DC at the time and was bemoaning the fact of not having a bike. I sent it to her thinking that I might not see it again. Good to her word Mayday sent the bike back in better condition than it left. It left Georgia with a really old and not well functioning Rock Shox quadra fork and came back with a brand new Surly 1x1 rigid for, I was pleasantly surprised. This was about prob a year or so after I sent it to her.

I had ridden the local trails close to where my parents lived and felt that there was a place I could ride s/s with confidence of not doing much hike-a-bikes. It went well and soon it was my main bike for the trails I called TAB. It's true single speeds make you a better rider esp rigid ones. Along the way the Kona got new brakes (inexpensive calipers) and better grips (salsa lock on grips) It keeps plugging along. I have used it for a get around campus bike when I know I have to do a lot of walking from end to end of campus. I even loaned it to BIL for him to ride (he never rode it even after I put flat pedals on it).

Which brings us to the present about 8ish years later after getting the frame. The bike continue to ride well despite a strange mix of parts that date from the 90's (the old tioga head set) and inexpensive parts grabbed out of a discount box in local bike shops (caliper brakes and Kore handle bars) The Kore handle bars are super long and thick. I love those bars and they're perfect for any s/s The Kona unlike most any bike you see on the trail today is a simple 26'er. It's getting harder and harder to find quality tubes and tires for that and the Voodoo Eruzlie.

I took the Kona to the trail with me today (Dauset) and had a blast. I rode the karate monkey for about an hour and then rode the kona for about as long. I decided that I needed to see what Iwas made out of being all fat and out of shape. I'm glad to say I did not push the bike at all and the small stream crossings had a minimal pucker factor for me. I'll try to s/s at least once a week.

That's it except for the pics:

Thanks for reading.

Realignment

This entry is a break from cycling to explain some life decisions I recently made concerning my career.

I have not written here in a couple of monthsish, which is obvious the primary reason was that I was busy with nursing school. Which brings me to my "realignment". After a lot of thought (and I mean A LOT) I decided to drop out of nursing school. Which at first glance is quite a shock. There are a number of reasons why I did so. My grades were ok and I was not in trouble or anything of the sort. I was not asked to leave the program nor was I thrown out. I agonized over it a great deal the last two weeks before our mid-term. I decided that in the proverbial sense that my the headache will stop hurting once I stop hitting myself in the head with a hammer or brick or blunt instrument of your own choosing.

It boiled down to me being burned out with patient care. I enjoy caring for patients and love what I do. I'm really just tired of the grind between work and school. I also came to the realization that because of my extensive back ground in the ED I'll never get out of the department no matter where I work and no matter the level of my education. Some would say that's not a bad thing at all. Brother let me tell you for me at least the juice is not worth the squeeze anymore.

Over the last several shifts I have had some rough experiences with patients which quite frankly have scared me. It has brought back to my consciousness something I have thought for a long while now. Which is if I don't get out of the ED soon something very bad will happen to me. I have brushed against bad luck a bit too often now and remember vividly what happens when things go VERY badly in my work place. Unlike most jobs I am under constant threat of serious injury or death every time I clock in. I'm just talking about the elephant in the room. I have been told that lightning never strikes the same place twice. IT DOES. The only way to avoid that is by not being there.

I have cut way down on my shifts, although here soon I'm going to be picking up more shifts just to pay bills and save up to travel. I hate that and I'm very reluctant about it. I'm actively looking to leave the department which is frustrating because every job I have applied for within the hospital I've been turned down for and that is now a dozen positions applied for that I was qualified for. I had a close friend rake me over the coals for dropping out of nursing school. Which to his credit he called a spade a spade, I'm being a crybaby about it. His argument was get through nursing school and get a floor nursing job then go from there. The problem is that as a male in a female dominated profession no matter where I am at I'll get thrown into the jackpot no matter what. Also, despite a potential nursing degree, I now have an extensive back ground in the ED & EMS which really pigeon holes me. I've toiled over this ad nauseum.

So what do I do now? Well, the last month I have had a lot of free time on my hands. It's allowed me to catch up on a couple of projects. Like finishing up my storage for the truck (pics soon I promise!) and catch up on fun reading. I've kept quiet and been contemplative which is why I have not written here. The big question is will I return to college. The answer is YES. I won't do nursing any more. I am looking to get an associates of science and then a bachelors of science after that. I've contemplated going after an interventional cardiology tech certification, maybe I'll do forestry, maybe I'll brew beer. It's nothing set in stone, I just know I'm not wrong continuing college.   

In January I'll take a biology course and an algebra class and go from there. Prob starting in June I may decide to arrange my shifts so I can take a couple of months off to be a mountain bike bum and head out away from Georgia. That's one reason I have been pushing to get the truck done. I got the cab finished all the way. I have other plans for the truck just too many to list here because this entry has gotten a bit long. I'll post those thoughts another day. Well that's it for now. I return back to BOSAHFOW regular blogging. Thanks for reading.
 

I swore off coffee until...

...I started back on my next semester of nursing school. I was real good about it too it's just now I gotta get shit done and staying up 20 hrs in a row is the norm until at least December. Those of you who know me IRL are aware of my dislike for most things that are equal parts star and bucks. Yeah yeah they're all organic and oh so forward leaning I just despise the culture around it.

Then there is the brand I discovered awhile back:

I did not buy any because I was just getting to the summer and I wanted to give my renal system a break and be able to sleep relativity undisturbed. I can sleep in December I suppose. Now nearly 6 weeks into the semester being seriously caffeinated needs to be a reality. No other coffee will do:

The new coffee comes today in the mail. I think I'm going to be able to hear paint dry. Thanks for reading.

And yes that's the music that plays in my head most of the time.

 

Ah hell I went and got busy.

I made it back from my WNC trip a few weeks ago and never made the time to put thoughts down here. As soon as i got back I had some shifts to pick up at work and then school started back. Above is one of the many pics I took on my trip. This is a lake located near the GSMNP on a road named the dragon's tail. I road i stumbled across just out side of Fontana N.C.

The trip was a blast. I found a great camping spot over in nantahala national forest off a river, did a nice hike over on small section of the Appalachian trail and did some rides over at tsali. All in all it was a good trip. I have minor gripes like the brewery/growler shop that would not fill my growler with beer and tried to convince me to buy a glass one (and ditch my stainless steel one) because the "beer tastes more fresher in glass" also this place did not sell food, and the parking sucked. Bummer, I had high hopes for that little place no names will be named just know it's located real near tsali. I'd like to post more pics and write more about the trip, I just lack time. In fact I'm WAY behind on my reading for school.

School is not bad...yet. It's rapidly going to start getting rough here soon. I'm back to my PRN schedule at work it just seems like every time I go to work something bad happens to me. I won't go into details here just once again going through doubts about my chosen profession. I've tried 3-4 times to transfer out of my department now, I just keep getting turned down. I think it's because of my limited schedule with school. I've seen how bad it can get at the job with the shooting several years ago now and the bad stuff that has happened as of late is just stirring up all those memories. These incidents don't hold a candle to the shooting it just convinces more and more each time bad happens to me that I'll get seriously injured or killed on the job. I deal with it as best as I can.

There ain't much else to say. Entries for the next few months will be few and far between. I was told I should instagram. Thing is that well I'm always leery of that kind of social media because there are certain people out there who let's say want to do me harm. It's not grandiose bullshit either. A few years ago I had a person I helped take care of stalk me and try to convince me to hang out with him & go to church with him. Which is funny after the first call. Not so funny when you have a dozen messages on your answering machine every night you work, have the cops talk to the guy and change your number.  I just know I have to keep going forward to get out of my crazy position in my job and I hope to move to a more sane area of the industry I work in. Anywho, school is a large factor in the lack of entries, huge time commitment there.

Oh and just cause sometimes you have to see pretty women, which there is an acute shortage in my life this past summer:

I'm around so don't worry. Thanks for reading.

The road and the path.

"The mountains are calling and I must go." John Muir

It's right around 0300 (3am) on the day of my WNC trip. I plan on leaving around 0400-0500 ish. I woke up early like I am want to do on days like this. I got as much finished on the truck as I felt comfortable. It's far from complete, I lack the time to try to tackle anything else and be able to make the trip.

The truck is packed, I will say that being just a little more organized makes a difference. I don't have so many bags in the rear of the truck which cuts down on the paranoia of keeping things easily visible from the outside the camper shell. Thinking to what I have packed I think I packed too many books. I brought along a few nursing related text books and 2-3 easier reading books. Perhaps before I leave I'll unload all the easy reading books to force me into a strange bookstore if I stumble across one. This time I did not pay attention to what I'll be reading as I have in the past. I was able to get the rear curtain and velcro of the truck fixed so it won't look completely ramshackle. That caused me a little stress last trip.

I was able to get my action packers into the truck. I wanted to eliminate one of them by making cabinets, it just did not happen. I still have my "Ah shit" box which has tools, jack, jumper cables etc in it. and my "Yum" box which is all kitchen and food type stuff. On the subject of food I still have the old igloo with beer bottle caps sloppily glued to the side of it. I had my eye on a Yeti cooler I just really lack the 200-300 dollars to spend on that just yet. Besides I have plans for the old igloo which consists of sending some good BBQ out to some friends in California, more on that later.

I went through most everything yesterday and tried to make things just "so". There is a forecast for 30-40% chance of rain (much like last year) the exception being that spending 5 dollars in the local army surplus store will save me from the rain this year. I shake my head even now, I swear I without a second thought I do most of my shopping there. I buy pants, shorts and various camping implements from that establishment. sheesh. Instead of making the effort to ride daily I am going to switch sites daily nearly. Ride one day and day hike another. I have my wonderful trail running shoes that more than proved their worth at Yosemite's hiking trails and hell I even dug out my gaiters.

I'm pretty excited about the trip. How I know is that despite taking an ambien I am up SO early. I'm ready for some good quality adventure and alone time. Although I have gotten adventure time lately I have been short on alone time. Yesterday I had about 5 hours of it and while packing the truck, which for that task I needed it because it was a lot of talking to myself and repacking. I look forward to my time in the woods because it gets me back to the basics of life on the trail which I enjoyed so much in Colorado. I ride/hike I come back drink a little beer, eat some dinner, read maybe or if clear enough look at the sky and then fall asleep in the back of the truck.

The alone time is important to me in order to sort my thoughts without something in the background. Whether that is a TV blaring in the background, worrying over the various truck projects, worrying over my mother or older sis, being paranoid about work and school or feeling lonely because I'm seemingly doomed to lack "friendly" female companionship during my time in nursing school or for the rest of my days in Georgia. No matter, alone time cuts down on the chatter and skip cuts in my mind.

I gave myself 45 minutes to write before I left. I'll write when I can once I get back. Thanks for reading.

How I wish I could write like this

Just watched "All is Lost" the opening monologue floored me:



It's sad and mournful. The words make me gasp for the simple reason that I have tried to live my life this way and most times over all...I'm just sorry because for whatever reason I feel like I don't nor will I ever will measure up to the standards I want to live up to either put on myself or by others.

 Obviously being a "Good, kind, man" has it's limitations.

A day of simple frustrations. I got the curtains done for the rear of the truck, it only took a year of waiting to get it done. The internet is good to me at times, it taught me how to use a sewing machine today. Velcro done on rear curtains. I spent a rainy day yesterday actually making sure it would work.

The frustration came from just not knowing what the fuck I am doing with wood working. I spent nearly three hours trying to get the lower chain/tie down storage area squared away. It was suppose to be a simple project. I'm trying not to waste wood and digging around trying to find the right bits and screws. Ended up stripping 3 of my four long screws got stripped then it drizzled. The BIL rolls up and fills me in on a much easier way to do this small part. He was supportive and cool about my obvious mistakes.

I lost it.

Not because of him or at him, just because I'm tired of trying my ass off and getting shit results. I've run out of time. It was my high school wood shop teacher droning in my ears telling me that I am stupid and lacked the common sense to do a big project like this. That I was only able to handle the drill press under very close supervision when we made tables for class. I was permitted to drill 4 decorative holes in a brace for those fucking tables. I hated that damn table.

Wood and tools got thrown, I was within about a few seconds of getting the large sledge hammer and destroying the whole build in the cargo area. BIL got me chilled out, he attached the one piece of wood that needed to be affixed using the 3 unstripped screws. Nearly 3 hours of work done which equates to one 19 inch 2x4 was affixed not by me instead by BIL. Which was all that got done. Oh and I have to buy more wood, construct it all and cover it all with pack cloth.

I put all the shit away and went out to go climbing with a person who is a acquaintance. She's very cute and normally if the wind had not been beaten out of my sails I'd make a play on her. Now I could care less. I have an attractive woman at least speaking to me and I give a rats ass. Poor showing in climbing, have not climbed in months could barely do 5.7's oy vey

nothing like going out and feeling absolutely nothing for someone and not wanting to be there because I know I'll feel more alone later. I went because I knew I needed to get out, I just needed a woman to talk to me to know that maybe I mattered for a few moments in this life.

Now I have to cut my mothers grass tomorrow and run errands. Called mom and told her what she needed to do in order for me to run errands. Which elicits the "I'll do my best" which means little to nothing will be done and it will be a struggle to get errands done at all.

I'm leaving for Western North Carolina early next week no matter what to Tsali for sure other destinations in that area is unknown. I should make an itinerary in case something happens at this point I could care less because despite some glass half full things I'm having some dread hanging over my head. The second semester of nursing school has got me scared...real scared. I did nothing to make it easier this summer I have nothing to show for it because like my high school shop teacher said I'm just a stupid fuck up. I just worked and tried to have fun, mostly being rejected and feeling lonely wishing I was someplace else.

Like the man said up above.

"I'm sorry"

I'll keep going forward becaue I'm too stupid to quit and being a 'good, kind, man' is just not good enough for nearly all single women. Maybe solitude in the WNC mountains will recharge me.  I still have 3 work shifts to get through without serious bureaucratic trouble, injury or death. I'm being dramatic, just tired I suppose.

How I am tired I know full and well. I do not need to re hash it. I also miss my father tremendously. Could always be worse. Goddamn FWP's

Thanks for reading.

Gearing up for Western NC trip

In an effort to show my three readers that I am doing more than moping around and shoegazing  and that I have been productivehere is my summer outdoorsy adventure project. As I stated in an earlier entry this summer's current project is tearing out the jump seats of the truck in the crew area and making it a cargo area, it's been an ongoing thing,  I'm prob about 65% done. I cannot and will not claim credit for getting this far. B.I.L has done a majority of the woodwork in the truck's cargo area.

Although due to a wrong measurement on my part the action packer would not fit into the appropriate area. I drug out all the necessary tools and went to work on this problem. The braying of my jackass 10th grade high school woodshop teacher still ringing in my ears I set to work. It was not that hard it was moving and cutting some wood. Despite the high school shop teachers bias towards me in the past it all went back together correctly with minimal fuss. So FOAD Mr. Z! Now there is room for the action packer, jump bag and map books. I promise pics of this project will come soon.

What that leaves is building the main part of the project is the cabinet on the passengers side behind the passenger seat. Then of course covering all this stuff with the waterproof pack cloth I found at a local fabric store. I can hear someone out there now "Hey dude why don't you just stain all that shit and be done with it?" Well I thought on that and decided that since I am not the best woodworker and that there was going to be mistakes made on this little project that covering it would cover mistakes made and make it look a bit better. Let's face it in many ways I consider my truck home. My putting some durable manly pack waterproof pack cloth over the areas. BIL will help with most of that as well. The truck in the short term smells fantastic, just like fresh cut wood.

With that going on and with the end of July getting ever closer it's time to plan my "sorta annual" trip up to Western North Carolina. Last year was a bit of a disappointment with the near constant rain and being in pretty terrible shape because I was just too lazy to get off of my ass. The upside is that I scared a bear out of camp on my first day and drank copious amounts of beer. This year will hopefully be better, although I am greatly tempted to go to Pisgah and Dupont forests I decided to go 90 minutes or so outside of Asheville to Tsali. I've heard and read a great things about the area. I'll also day hike a small section of the Appalachian trail and poke into The Great Smoky Mountain National Park.Why am I planning so much for the trip? Well, I was really encouraged by my Nor Cal trip. Hiking Misty trail and carrying my buddy's day pack for 3/4 of the hike (which held a USELESS coffee pot and no water purification...sheez k-man!) I did a great deal of walking under gear in Nor Cal with nary a problem. I'll equate that to being in OK shape and having decent footwear.

I'm looking for all my gear which for some reason gets spread all over the damn place. I find it all eventually and add things here and there. This year I decided on a shower:

The reason why is that it's compact and last years dives into cold mountain streams although refreshing and very mountain man like was not as much fun as I would have imagined. I have had experience with solar showers as well, which lacked on the warmth. I've come to the conclusion that when you're on a trip of this nature having a cold washing experience is part of the adventure. I saw this thought it was nifty and was able to find it in a local "outdoors man store"

I was told about this oudoorsman store by BIL. I went a small bit outta my way to one of these such places. It is a slick place and I did find what I was looking for which was the sea to summit pocket shower. I was a bit underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the place. Underwhelmed at the pandering more and more to the "redneck" lifestyle that is being marketed so much here in Georgia. I get it, it's America someone is out to make a dollar and I cannot fault someone for that. Just when I see something like this:

I just tend to shake my head in wonder. It's just that living here and be like that sometimes esp if you do not have the mindset already. Neat clothes sure, I could see myself buying some carhart pants there in the future. Just don't count on me rushing over there to buy realoak well patterned...everything in the future. Anyways the gear is going to be sorted and packed. I reckon I'' leave on a weekday to avoid the weekend crowds up that way in WNC.

That's about it for the moment. Thanks for reading.

A dream of how I remember my old home.

Summertime blues

Alright I'm in a funk.

I have not cracked a book for school in weeks. I have not ridden in a couple nor done stairs either. I can point to my California trip and say well that broke the routine, I just won't say that. I am not looking forward to starting back school in the fall because I'm simply terrified of failing the semester like so many other nursing students. I am considering just not going back, not that it will do me any good. I'll still be stuck in my very dead end job.

I have my estranged 2nd older sister in town now which promises to be a headache when dealing with both her and my mother. I'm considering staying in a hotel room for a couple of nights just to avoid that mess and doing some truck camping over the weekend just to stay away from all the drama surrounding her. She comes to town expects us to cater to her every need, stirs the shit and leaves for the southwest from where she came. No one wants trouble because she is here for a week and she is visiting. It takes us months NOT to hear about her trip from Mom after she leaves. I know I am throwing everything on older sister when taking this attitude  This is one of the many reasons I liked living in Denver so much. I never had to deal with my 2nd oldest sister, she never came up because it was "too cold up there". Frankly I can't stand her. She refuses to rent a car when coming for a visit and expects us (really oldest sister because I refuse to do it) to drive her around.

The episode a few years ago when Pop was lying in the hospital post surgery to remove his bladder cancer and suffering really tore it. She insisted I take her to the airport to catch her flight back to the southwest. He was out of surgery for not even a day and having some complications, I could not envision leaving him because of that. I asked her what the rush was and she said she had to get back to her job. Which was like a slap in the face, I had taken 3-4 month leave of absence from work to come back and take care of Pop after his surgery. That trip in fact was a lynchpin in my decision to move back here. I told her that there was no way I was leaving Pop and she could at least stay for a few more days to make sure he got better. In hindsight I should have taken her to the damn airport and be rid of her. She stayed and grumbled the whole time making a tough situation worse.

Dread is the most appropriate word to use when I have to deal with her.   

On top of that I still have not worked my way through the whole dating episode. Nothing like coming back from an awesome trip working a tough job, being totally rejected then dealing with a sister you hardly ever see and cannot stand. I know this is life and how things go I really just am tired of the horse shit. I was looking forward to this summer, I really was now it's just blech. In a few weeks I'll be back in school dealing with a whole set of other problems. I really just need to get away from here and never come back ever again. In short I stay in this moment in time I'm fucked and when I go forward I'm fucked.

I'm being a big cry baby about the whole thing. It's very much a FWP. In fact the video needs a repost just to remind myself to deal with it:

Hey let's try this, I'm not currently having someone trying to dig their nasty fingernails into my arm like at work last week and although I live under two places I do not have to worry about a roof over my head or getting food into my ever expanding middle aged spread. If I wanted to avoid 2nd oldest sister I would have really planned better. Work sucks, it's nearly always sucked and will continue to well....suck. Rejection by an awesome woman nothing new there that shit used to happen a lot to me just not recently, because of the total lack of interesting women here in Georgia at least out west I had a better ratio. I have been alone for a long time and will continue to be alone. So be it. School is tough and it's suppose to be because I am dealing with peoples lives.

I'm tired of writing and complaining. time to deal with it.

Thanks for reading.

Just not good enough.

This is just a starting point, a reminder if you will to myself for my next entry. In this world I tend to get reminded that being a good person is often not the standard most want. The next entry will definitely fall into the "Head full of weird" part of the blog title "Bicycle Of Steel And a Head Full Of Weird" cause man it's going to get way introspective and strange. More later.

A little DenCo sunset time lapse to signify the passage of time. This is the "More Later". I'll start off with a rollins quote to set the proper mood:

“My feelings for you shame me into silence. The truth of this and your name will never be revealed. It is you who has made me realize the failure of my life. The thought of you fills me with longing and at the same time, a burning humiliation that produces scar tissue and dead brain cells. Your existence mocks me and I am unable to confront this. You have no idea of any of this. None of this is your fault. It is completely with me. It is you who makes me see what I really am. I am weak and out of touch with myself.”

In the last few weeks I had gotten to know a woman and we had a couple of dates since I came back from California. I had a lot of hope for her. She is easy on the eyes, tough, smart, has a good eye for photography and close to my age. She's a strong independent woman who stands on her own. I had high hopes indeed and really could see a future with her until what ended up being the end of our second date.

I cannot tell you what it was, in an instant though I realized I got friend zoned without her saying a word. My demeanor towards her changed immediately when I realized I was just spinning my wheels and wasting my time. She and I had talked for a bit before hand about how she was looking for well someone like me a "good, kind man"  who "is very attractive" and has some "super attributes" I doubt the attractive part and waver on the others, hopefully you see my point.

The date ended awkwardly and then I get a text from her trying to explain herself because I preemptively sensed something and probably because I preemptively ended the date. She had to have the last word. I said little which lead to a call today from her with more explanations. My counter to her point of "the chemistry was not there" was simple if it was not there then why talk for so long and go out on a couple of long dates? If I am so great and fit the bill in so many ways why am I on the outside looking in? She could not really answer to those points and repeated herself and further said she felt bad about hurting such a great guy (which I suppose is me) and that I did not deserve this.

Deserve and what happens are two different things.

I told her that like most women I have met since moving back here that she was shallow. In fact since moving back here I have yet to date anyone born and raised in Georgia. Georgia born and raised women are way too high maintenance and vapid for me. I told her if I were just a little bit more attractive, had a little bit more money or my own place that we would not be having this conversation. The funny thing is that she is in the exact same spot I am in life at the moment. Which is going to school middle aged, broke and living with her family.  Naturally she denied this, we both know the truth I could hear it in her voice.

I wished her luck in her endeavors and the strange conversation ended after that. I admit that this little episode stung because I honestly saw something special in this woman and I thought she was beyond such things being close to my own age. She was not and more is the shame I suppose.  

During our conversation she reiterated how good person I was which got me to thinking about the question above:

"How good do you have to be to be considered a good person?"

If I were that good then none of the other shit should matter, that's the way I see it at least. I'm no saint, in fact if there is a christian god then I will certainly go to hell and honestly I'm not that good of a Buddhist.

Giving up a good life in Colorado and moving back to Georgia to take care of elderly parents, taking the reigns to take care of a dying father, giving his eulogy at his funeral, being an EMT, going to nursing school and committing my life to easing the pain and suffering of others well that's just quite not good enough because I don't have the looks or bank account of a fucking male super model. I will go as far to say I could be as enlightened as the Dali Lama and be trapped in this middle aged body and it would still count for shit.

I could spend a few hundred thousand on plastic surgery and a personal trainer and I bet ya I'd get some consideration then wouldn't I? Nice wholesome guys finish last indeed. If I were a goddamn dirt bag with a decent look or bank account then I would not be writing this entry.

Yes, I'm a bit irked at this woman because she had me fooled into thinking that I may have found the one other person in the universe at this point and time that would understand me. We got each other (at least I thought so), somehow I came up lacking because of a genetic predisposition of average or below average looks and the lack of foresight and proper financial planning to have a decent career and bank account. That shit is OK because I am a "good, kind man." having that in my heart should calm me in my nights alone and in my moments of insecurity. It gives me the same thing that having good morals gives me which is fuck all.

Where do I go from here? Well I console myself with this little cliche:

I told this woman that she was a bit of a surprise because I thought and had settled on being alone for the rest of my life that really no woman was out there who I could relate to in the romantic realm. I treat people decently and do what I can for the human race and I continue to get shit on. I truly wonder sometimes if this is the way the world works for everyone else. I doubt it does.

I bear this burden alone because it seems every friend I got that I can count on has moved away or in another state. Old neighborhood friends don't really talk to me anymore for what reason I don't know. I can only surmise that it's because I am single, don't have kids ,lack good looks, don't have a college education and I do not have a decent bank account. I can say that I am no longer home sick for Colorado, just wish like hell that I was no longer here and so alone. The only way to fix that is to get through nursing school get a couple of years of experience and head out west where I belong. I want like hell to be out of here by the time I'm 50. That way maybe I can have a truck, a tiny house, my bicycles and a piece of land to call my own.

Dating sucks, I'm better off alone.

Thanks for reading.