Just watched "All is Lost" the opening monologue floored me:
It's sad and mournful. The words make me gasp for the simple reason that I have tried to live my life this way and most times over all...I'm just sorry because for whatever reason I feel like I don't nor will I ever will measure up to the standards I want to live up to either put on myself or by others.
Obviously being a "Good, kind, man" has it's limitations.
A day of simple frustrations. I got the curtains done for the rear of the truck, it only took a year of waiting to get it done. The internet is good to me at times, it taught me how to use a sewing machine today. Velcro done on rear curtains. I spent a rainy day yesterday actually making sure it would work.
The frustration came from just not knowing what the fuck I am doing with wood working. I spent nearly three hours trying to get the lower chain/tie down storage area squared away. It was suppose to be a simple project. I'm trying not to waste wood and digging around trying to find the right bits and screws. Ended up stripping 3 of my four long screws got stripped then it drizzled. The BIL rolls up and fills me in on a much easier way to do this small part. He was supportive and cool about my obvious mistakes.
I lost it.
Not because of him or at him, just because I'm tired of trying my ass off and getting shit results. I've run out of time. It was my high school wood shop teacher droning in my ears telling me that I am stupid and lacked the common sense to do a big project like this. That I was only able to handle the drill press under very close supervision when we made tables for class. I was permitted to drill 4 decorative holes in a brace for those fucking tables. I hated that damn table.
Wood and tools got thrown, I was within about a few seconds of getting the large sledge hammer and destroying the whole build in the cargo area. BIL got me chilled out, he attached the one piece of wood that needed to be affixed using the 3 unstripped screws. Nearly 3 hours of work done which equates to one 19 inch 2x4 was affixed not by me instead by BIL. Which was all that got done. Oh and I have to buy more wood, construct it all and cover it all with pack cloth.
I put all the shit away and went out to go climbing with a person who is a acquaintance. She's very cute and normally if the wind had not been beaten out of my sails I'd make a play on her. Now I could care less. I have an attractive woman at least speaking to me and I give a rats ass. Poor showing in climbing, have not climbed in months could barely do 5.7's oy vey
nothing like going out and feeling absolutely nothing for someone and not wanting to be there because I know I'll feel more alone later. I went because I knew I needed to get out, I just needed a woman to talk to me to know that maybe I mattered for a few moments in this life.
Now I have to cut my mothers grass tomorrow and run errands. Called mom and told her what she needed to do in order for me to run errands. Which elicits the "I'll do my best" which means little to nothing will be done and it will be a struggle to get errands done at all.
I'm leaving for Western North Carolina early next week no matter what to Tsali for sure other destinations in that area is unknown. I should make an itinerary in case something happens at this point I could care less because despite some glass half full things I'm having some dread hanging over my head. The second semester of nursing school has got me scared...real scared. I did nothing to make it easier this summer I have nothing to show for it because like my high school shop teacher said I'm just a stupid fuck up. I just worked and tried to have fun, mostly being rejected and feeling lonely wishing I was someplace else.
Like the man said up above.
"I'm sorry"
I'll keep going forward becaue I'm too stupid to quit and being a 'good, kind, man' is just not good enough for nearly all single women. Maybe solitude in the WNC mountains will recharge me. I still have 3 work shifts to get through without serious bureaucratic trouble, injury or death. I'm being dramatic, just tired I suppose.
How I am tired I know full and well. I do not need to re hash it. I also miss my father tremendously. Could always be worse. Goddamn FWP's
Thanks for reading.
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