Thursday, May 21, 2015

Outside looking in.

 Warning Head full of weird coming up:

When the down time of summer roles around it is rough for me. Last year it was anxiety (yes I admit it) about the upcoming semester. Dread was more like it. With the decision to quit nursing school behind me I thought that I'd have a relatively stress free summer. Instead. I got an arm injury and  inactivity. I'm just trying to think of things I can without using my arm heavily. I decided I can start hiking and running again. I just wanna get out of here.

It's tough though with obligations. I had a realization a little while ago and it made me reflect some. I am one of those people left behind by society. I look around to nearly all my family, friends and folks that I know and nearly all of them have something that keeps their feet on the ground. If it's a mortgage, a kid, girlfriend/wife/significant other or a good paying job that they more than tolerate.

I have small peeks into their lives and I wonder what the fuck happened in my life. Then I realize that I chose all of this. I'm alone and happier that way. I can spend hours and days to myself and would be content with not speaking to another person for weeks on end. I realize that my sanity would cave in (more) if I did not pull my head up outta my hole every once in awhile because we all do need a social outlet. That's science folks.

Bukowski said it best "Isolation is a gift" well bro it can kill your ass slowly too.

For the moment I have school to hang my hat on and that's a good thing because I have flushed my career down the toilet, sure I could go back into nursing school , I'm just really over the health care industry. I'm left behind and alone, I work to alienate family because I feel taken for granted. I am reminded often enough that I chose to be here in Georgia and yuppers when I've had enough I will chose to leave. How things stand at the moment probably without a warning or a good-bye, so long maybe I'll see you in the next go around.

School will end with an associates degree in Biology (Like that will get me anything) and family will say what now? To which I may reply ""Hell I've been asking myself that question since I was 10 where were you guys?!"

Skipping around a bit and along the same lines. A fave podcast for the last several months has been "Dirt Bag Diaries" I've mentioned it before a majority of the content is about climbing and the lifestyle one has to have in order to be outdoors full time if not nearly so. I heard something in the most recent episode that got me to thinking. That the old dirtbags (which I am only a PRN dirtbag NOT fulltime) tend to be sad types. Hanging out in the old spots but their bodies are too wrecked to do anything active anymore, in essence they are homeless. All dirtbags are homeless if you don't have a fixed address you are homeless. I don't see it as a bad thing necessarily it depends on your perspective I suppose.

I have known for a very long while I'm not like other people and I'm a little screwy, contrary and can be prickly. Which is tough on people who are close to me. I could chill the fuck out and I do from time to time just after awhile keeping my trap shut gets on my nerves and I open my mouth and then I'm the villain. I've said it before and I'll say it again so I'll be the villain.

I'm prattling on here and I'm trying to say is that I know I'm screwed up. I desperately need something new in my life. Not a full time over night woman, I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer I need.
Make no mistakes a PRN woman would be fine by me, trouble is those tend to want to make it a full time position after awhile. A change of location would only be a temp fix and not the answer either.

So what do I do? Well the typical middle aged thing to do is go out and buy a sports car and get a girlfriend 20 years + younger than you. I ain't typical in a few ways so I suppose I'll just embrace my damn weary contrary weirdness and shuffle forward. Maybe just maybe If I play my cards right I'll get my tiny house in the woods, live my life in peace and die in my sleep before I get too old and feeble.

Lifted from zen pencils

I got some things to do today like driving to the northside of the perimeter and spending my paltry REI dividend and start on my summer online class. Thanks for reading.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Late Spring early Summer

The semester wrapped up with good grades, that's always a plus. I decided for my 45th b-day to head over to a newish trail and ride. It was a mistake. I forgot that riding a new trail can be tough on the body esp if it has been hand cut. I can see that this particular trail has potential I just was not feeling it. It was laso my first ride since my freak arm injury 8 maybe 10 weeks ago. I am totally out of shape and my arm was really aching by the time I finished. I wanted to stop before the pain got to be unbearable. I'm at a loss I have given the arm a ton of rest yet I still get these weird pains all over my arm.

I should go to a doctor. I am one of the 10% in the USA now who does not have health care coverage. I am not saying this to open up a debate about health care in our country just stating a simple fact. So needless to say being a student and PRN EMT really hurts in the old wallet sometimes as well as the right arm.

So what have I been doing in the mean time. Well I have been putting off training for work most of the semester so I had to do that. With that mostly wrapped up I have been hanging out at Mom's place sleeping late, watching videos on the old internets and reading a lot. I did go through the shed and get rid of a ton of old bicycle parts and jerseys to SoPo bikes. I do that from time to time when I have the chance. There was nearly a shed full of bicycle related stuff at my Mom's place. It's nearly all gone now.

I unloaded it because I don't have any use for the myriad of crap I had and because that shed up until recently was a type of sanctuary. It is no longer because family decided to put lawn tools inside same shed. And we have had discussions of putting spare furniture up there. Yet another reason why I need my own place.

Mostly I am avoiding life and all that entails because my arm is fucked up which blew all my big plans for the summer right out of the water. I suppose I could take up hiking or running again. I'm just being lazy and throwing a small solo pity party for myself. I have grown tired of so many things in my life at the moment.

I have been hanging out with a couple of old neighborhood friends. One has came back from Fla. the D-man. He and I are kind of kindred spirits and I feel since hanging out with him I do not feel so isolated here now. We'll see how that goes. Nothing much more to write on at the moment. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, May 2, 2015


I have currently semi-locked my self down in my room until May 5th. That's the day both my finals are on. Yes, I have left a time or two to mail some stuff off to friends. During my study breaks I am cleaning off my bookshelves and deciding on what books to send to people or donate to a local library. I have done a decent job with it so far. I'm really trying to cut down a lot of my clutter because I have plans on moving most of my stuff into a storage place close to here sometime in the next month or so,

I forget that I put pictures and notes between my books. I should remember it, I just never do. I don't know why I do it it's just a silly thing I picked up along the way. The reason I am mentioning this is because this pic fell out on to the floor at my feet today:

Immediately my heart both leaped and sank. This dear friends and readers is a pic of my last girlfriend. A great woman to say the least. I made a lot of mistakes and things were said and done that I cannot change or take back. Feelings were hurt. Hopes were raised and crushed under the weight of what could have been. I attempted to fix things a few times after we broke up only to have every attempt stillborn. We stayed in touch, we were friends and things kind of faded, during that time more mistakes were made by me because I knew I still had feelings for her. It was literally all my fault.

The ex-gfriend? as far as I know she moved on. I sent her a text a few months ago just to say hi and she told me she was heading out the door for a date. I believe I drank some bourbon that night. Not too long after I sent a post card or two from the road during spring break in North Georgia and Tennessee. Never did hear back from her.  She's gone and I still miss her even though we have not talked in a very long time. I can be a sentimental sucker if the right thing falls to my feet like it did this morning.

I resist just calling or texting because, despite feelings I do not want to make the same mistakes I made with her in the past. I hurt her she's protecting herself, that's what I gathered. I should move on and come to a realization or two about myself and my own life when it comes to being with someone that I'm prob better off being by myself that way no one gets hurt and I don't lose hours thinking it through.

It's tough for me not to dwell on this because of myself imposed study sessions and because in just a few days until I turn 45. No matter what anyone says it's hard not to be introspective around birthdays as you get older. Which ties into a fave song:

I'll wrap up here and get to studying for my finals I've been putting it off most of the day. Thanks for reading.