Thursday, May 21, 2015

Outside looking in.

 Warning Head full of weird coming up:

When the down time of summer roles around it is rough for me. Last year it was anxiety (yes I admit it) about the upcoming semester. Dread was more like it. With the decision to quit nursing school behind me I thought that I'd have a relatively stress free summer. Instead. I got an arm injury and  inactivity. I'm just trying to think of things I can without using my arm heavily. I decided I can start hiking and running again. I just wanna get out of here.

It's tough though with obligations. I had a realization a little while ago and it made me reflect some. I am one of those people left behind by society. I look around to nearly all my family, friends and folks that I know and nearly all of them have something that keeps their feet on the ground. If it's a mortgage, a kid, girlfriend/wife/significant other or a good paying job that they more than tolerate.

I have small peeks into their lives and I wonder what the fuck happened in my life. Then I realize that I chose all of this. I'm alone and happier that way. I can spend hours and days to myself and would be content with not speaking to another person for weeks on end. I realize that my sanity would cave in (more) if I did not pull my head up outta my hole every once in awhile because we all do need a social outlet. That's science folks.

Bukowski said it best "Isolation is a gift" well bro it can kill your ass slowly too.

For the moment I have school to hang my hat on and that's a good thing because I have flushed my career down the toilet, sure I could go back into nursing school , I'm just really over the health care industry. I'm left behind and alone, I work to alienate family because I feel taken for granted. I am reminded often enough that I chose to be here in Georgia and yuppers when I've had enough I will chose to leave. How things stand at the moment probably without a warning or a good-bye, so long maybe I'll see you in the next go around.

School will end with an associates degree in Biology (Like that will get me anything) and family will say what now? To which I may reply ""Hell I've been asking myself that question since I was 10 where were you guys?!"

Skipping around a bit and along the same lines. A fave podcast for the last several months has been "Dirt Bag Diaries" I've mentioned it before a majority of the content is about climbing and the lifestyle one has to have in order to be outdoors full time if not nearly so. I heard something in the most recent episode that got me to thinking. That the old dirtbags (which I am only a PRN dirtbag NOT fulltime) tend to be sad types. Hanging out in the old spots but their bodies are too wrecked to do anything active anymore, in essence they are homeless. All dirtbags are homeless if you don't have a fixed address you are homeless. I don't see it as a bad thing necessarily it depends on your perspective I suppose.

I have known for a very long while I'm not like other people and I'm a little screwy, contrary and can be prickly. Which is tough on people who are close to me. I could chill the fuck out and I do from time to time just after awhile keeping my trap shut gets on my nerves and I open my mouth and then I'm the villain. I've said it before and I'll say it again so I'll be the villain.

I'm prattling on here and I'm trying to say is that I know I'm screwed up. I desperately need something new in my life. Not a full time over night woman, I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer I need.
Make no mistakes a PRN woman would be fine by me, trouble is those tend to want to make it a full time position after awhile. A change of location would only be a temp fix and not the answer either.

So what do I do? Well the typical middle aged thing to do is go out and buy a sports car and get a girlfriend 20 years + younger than you. I ain't typical in a few ways so I suppose I'll just embrace my damn weary contrary weirdness and shuffle forward. Maybe just maybe If I play my cards right I'll get my tiny house in the woods, live my life in peace and die in my sleep before I get too old and feeble.

Lifted from zen pencils

I got some things to do today like driving to the northside of the perimeter and spending my paltry REI dividend and start on my summer online class. Thanks for reading.

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