Sunday, July 6, 2014

Just not good enough.

This is just a starting point, a reminder if you will to myself for my next entry. In this world I tend to get reminded that being a good person is often not the standard most want. The next entry will definitely fall into the "Head full of weird" part of the blog title "Bicycle Of Steel And a Head Full Of Weird" cause man it's going to get way introspective and strange. More later.

A little DenCo sunset time lapse to signify the passage of time. This is the "More Later". I'll start off with a rollins quote to set the proper mood:

“My feelings for you shame me into silence. The truth of this and your name will never be revealed. It is you who has made me realize the failure of my life. The thought of you fills me with longing and at the same time, a burning humiliation that produces scar tissue and dead brain cells. Your existence mocks me and I am unable to confront this. You have no idea of any of this. None of this is your fault. It is completely with me. It is you who makes me see what I really am. I am weak and out of touch with myself.”

In the last few weeks I had gotten to know a woman and we had a couple of dates since I came back from California. I had a lot of hope for her. She is easy on the eyes, tough, smart, has a good eye for photography and close to my age. She's a strong independent woman who stands on her own. I had high hopes indeed and really could see a future with her until what ended up being the end of our second date.

I cannot tell you what it was, in an instant though I realized I got friend zoned without her saying a word. My demeanor towards her changed immediately when I realized I was just spinning my wheels and wasting my time. She and I had talked for a bit before hand about how she was looking for well someone like me a "good, kind man"  who "is very attractive" and has some "super attributes" I doubt the attractive part and waver on the others, hopefully you see my point.

The date ended awkwardly and then I get a text from her trying to explain herself because I preemptively sensed something and probably because I preemptively ended the date. She had to have the last word. I said little which lead to a call today from her with more explanations. My counter to her point of "the chemistry was not there" was simple if it was not there then why talk for so long and go out on a couple of long dates? If I am so great and fit the bill in so many ways why am I on the outside looking in? She could not really answer to those points and repeated herself and further said she felt bad about hurting such a great guy (which I suppose is me) and that I did not deserve this.

Deserve and what happens are two different things.

I told her that like most women I have met since moving back here that she was shallow. In fact since moving back here I have yet to date anyone born and raised in Georgia. Georgia born and raised women are way too high maintenance and vapid for me. I told her if I were just a little bit more attractive, had a little bit more money or my own place that we would not be having this conversation. The funny thing is that she is in the exact same spot I am in life at the moment. Which is going to school middle aged, broke and living with her family.  Naturally she denied this, we both know the truth I could hear it in her voice.

I wished her luck in her endeavors and the strange conversation ended after that. I admit that this little episode stung because I honestly saw something special in this woman and I thought she was beyond such things being close to my own age. She was not and more is the shame I suppose.  

During our conversation she reiterated how good person I was which got me to thinking about the question above:

"How good do you have to be to be considered a good person?"

If I were that good then none of the other shit should matter, that's the way I see it at least. I'm no saint, in fact if there is a christian god then I will certainly go to hell and honestly I'm not that good of a Buddhist.

Giving up a good life in Colorado and moving back to Georgia to take care of elderly parents, taking the reigns to take care of a dying father, giving his eulogy at his funeral, being an EMT, going to nursing school and committing my life to easing the pain and suffering of others well that's just quite not good enough because I don't have the looks or bank account of a fucking male super model. I will go as far to say I could be as enlightened as the Dali Lama and be trapped in this middle aged body and it would still count for shit.

I could spend a few hundred thousand on plastic surgery and a personal trainer and I bet ya I'd get some consideration then wouldn't I? Nice wholesome guys finish last indeed. If I were a goddamn dirt bag with a decent look or bank account then I would not be writing this entry.

Yes, I'm a bit irked at this woman because she had me fooled into thinking that I may have found the one other person in the universe at this point and time that would understand me. We got each other (at least I thought so), somehow I came up lacking because of a genetic predisposition of average or below average looks and the lack of foresight and proper financial planning to have a decent career and bank account. That shit is OK because I am a "good, kind man." having that in my heart should calm me in my nights alone and in my moments of insecurity. It gives me the same thing that having good morals gives me which is fuck all.

Where do I go from here? Well I console myself with this little cliche:

I told this woman that she was a bit of a surprise because I thought and had settled on being alone for the rest of my life that really no woman was out there who I could relate to in the romantic realm. I treat people decently and do what I can for the human race and I continue to get shit on. I truly wonder sometimes if this is the way the world works for everyone else. I doubt it does.

I bear this burden alone because it seems every friend I got that I can count on has moved away or in another state. Old neighborhood friends don't really talk to me anymore for what reason I don't know. I can only surmise that it's because I am single, don't have kids ,lack good looks, don't have a college education and I do not have a decent bank account. I can say that I am no longer home sick for Colorado, just wish like hell that I was no longer here and so alone. The only way to fix that is to get through nursing school get a couple of years of experience and head out west where I belong. I want like hell to be out of here by the time I'm 50. That way maybe I can have a truck, a tiny house, my bicycles and a piece of land to call my own.

Dating sucks, I'm better off alone.

Thanks for reading.

No comments:

Post a Comment