I know why I can't sleep tonight now this morning. I'm taking this Psych 101 class now see and we have to do a presentation over something we covered in class. I'm not one to drone on about fucking Maslow and Piaget. Nah, that's low hanging easy to reach fruit. Not near dangerous enough
Nope, I gotta poke the beast. Rattle the demon in it's cage.
I doing my presentation on PTSD. Those 3 of you who followed this blog long enough now that now well over a decade ago I witnessed a guy blow his brains out with a large caliber hand gun. Yes it's as horrible as it sounds. I won't go into all the details again. The near constant drinking the self destructive behavior, the friendships I fucked up (still so sorry SSK you tried) the women who's psyches I destroyed (MB and TR are among them) the time I lost to it all, that year and a half I tell people "I don't remember I medicated for part of it and drunk for the rest of it" Honestly still somehow I made it out the other side despite my best efforts. It was really a testament to myself to see how that particular shit show was gonna end.
The beast, the demon used to be this big hulking figure ready to send me into a lump of human goo in a hot second. It was a otherworldly figure that would shake me out of my sleep screaming, give me the thousand yard stare in the middle of an EMS call or have me do crazy things just to feel something. Now a days it's shrunk to small enough to fit in a very tiny cage I keep locked up in a trunk here in the apartment. There are days when I hear it's call and it sends me to the dark hole I knew so well. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of that horrible snowy morning in ColoRADo where everything I cared for got torn into small pieces by one persons selfish act.
I took this tiny shell of a demon in it's cage put it on my desk and poked at it with a pen for a week until I was ready for it. Then I spent an entire day listening to it hiss at me while I wrote about how PTSD will fuck you up in rather clinical language. The hard part for me to wrap my head around is that I'm gonna be graded on my pain. I'm putting it out there so I gotta be prepared to get smeared with shit I suppose.
I'm up thinking about this, I'm not struggling per-se just hoping that things don't go sideways tomorrow. Wishing once again I had a woman here to hold me talk to me and let me know that really this time too things will be alright. I'm not living in any fairy tale here there ain't no woman to help me make things better. Tonight like nearly every other night I've dealt with this I got me. The person I rely on most...me.
There is a woman out there not too long ago that I was pretty psyched about then like the others she ran away. I'm trying to see what the deal is with her. I'm hopeful, experience has taught me that usually when they turn the corner they're gone. I'm exhausted with dating and getting so close to someone so perfect just to have them bail on me. I'll be alone and that will be ok, you gotta take a shot at the goal, just once though with the perfect woman I wanna find the back of the goal. Women are saying that they're ready for the real deal, when they encounter it, it always scares the hell out of them. I guess they figure they don't deserve to be loved. I guess it's terrible walking through life like that.
So much for hockey metaphors in the late spring in a 2x NHL franchise loser hockeyless town. So Be It.
Let's move on to some better news shall we?
For the first time in a couple of weeks I went for a ride. I've been riding the karate monkey a lot because I wanna be on the pain train some. I met a buddy at Dauset and took him around the easier outside perimeter of the trails. Bren is a cool guy and he seemed to really enjoy himself. It was nice to get him out and riding on his fancy new MTB and get it all dirty.
The eyelids are getting heavy so I suppose it's time to fall into a slumber for 90 minutes or so before I gotta get in the mazdarauder and head into the job.
Thanks for reading.