Monday, December 9, 2013

Dreading downtime

 Twas the night before finals....ahhh shit...I'm not falling into that trap...

I'm not going to write about how I'm going to be taking my last final of the semester tomorrow and that really I'm sick of the material and worrying about it. I've studied since Friday for the damn thing so now I'm just taking a step back from the work. 

I'm glad the semester is over.

But with the end of the semester brings a whole other set of probs. Which I would rather avoid but I have to deal with. I just want to wrap up all my schooling, do my job and ride my bike and not necessarily in that order. Although at times it sucks there is a simplicity to life when school is happening. People and downtime makes it all sorts of complicated and weird. 

I feel like little if anything will be simple this winter break. I totally hate being this negative but well right now outside of wrapping up school and starting Nursing School in January I have little going on.
I sat down thinking I had a lot of things to put down but well it just seems not to be coming out that way. 

I guess lately I was looking for a sign that hey maybe I'm doing something worth a rat fuck, that maybe reaching out to folks is worth while. It's not. I just get shit on for the effort. I get that feeling more and more in life especially around the breaks. That no one wants me around and little that I do matters. I'm constantly amazed at work how I'm marginalized that "You matter" but no one listens or answers simple questions. I thought that maybe my status would change a little with my acceptance into Nursing School. It hasn't. School wants to just suck money outta me and family well my older sis means well and does her absolute best but I get the picture that she scratches her head a lot over me. Mom...well she's a whole other negative depressing entry later on down the line if at all. The only friends that talk to me live hundreds and even thousands of miles away.

I just wanna lie in the floor and be drunk for a couple of days but I got no where for that shit. So as usual with these breaks I just gotta suck it up and put on a happy face and not be mad or upset. So I'll turn inward and maybe use this to make myself better for my own sake. Times like these makes me miss my old home. Things will get better, I'm positive of that. How I don't know.

Well I gotta get to the pillows and maybe my mind won't race so much tonight. Thanks for reading.


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