Outside looking in.

 Warning Head full of weird coming up:

When the down time of summer roles around it is rough for me. Last year it was anxiety (yes I admit it) about the upcoming semester. Dread was more like it. With the decision to quit nursing school behind me I thought that I'd have a relatively stress free summer. Instead. I got an arm injury and  inactivity. I'm just trying to think of things I can without using my arm heavily. I decided I can start hiking and running again. I just wanna get out of here.

It's tough though with obligations. I had a realization a little while ago and it made me reflect some. I am one of those people left behind by society. I look around to nearly all my family, friends and folks that I know and nearly all of them have something that keeps their feet on the ground. If it's a mortgage, a kid, girlfriend/wife/significant other or a good paying job that they more than tolerate.

I have small peeks into their lives and I wonder what the fuck happened in my life. Then I realize that I chose all of this. I'm alone and happier that way. I can spend hours and days to myself and would be content with not speaking to another person for weeks on end. I realize that my sanity would cave in (more) if I did not pull my head up outta my hole every once in awhile because we all do need a social outlet. That's science folks.

Bukowski said it best "Isolation is a gift" well bro it can kill your ass slowly too.

For the moment I have school to hang my hat on and that's a good thing because I have flushed my career down the toilet, sure I could go back into nursing school , I'm just really over the health care industry. I'm left behind and alone, I work to alienate family because I feel taken for granted. I am reminded often enough that I chose to be here in Georgia and yuppers when I've had enough I will chose to leave. How things stand at the moment probably without a warning or a good-bye, so long maybe I'll see you in the next go around.

School will end with an associates degree in Biology (Like that will get me anything) and family will say what now? To which I may reply ""Hell I've been asking myself that question since I was 10 where were you guys?!"

Skipping around a bit and along the same lines. A fave podcast for the last several months has been "Dirt Bag Diaries" I've mentioned it before a majority of the content is about climbing and the lifestyle one has to have in order to be outdoors full time if not nearly so. I heard something in the most recent episode that got me to thinking. That the old dirtbags (which I am only a PRN dirtbag NOT fulltime) tend to be sad types. Hanging out in the old spots but their bodies are too wrecked to do anything active anymore, in essence they are homeless. All dirtbags are homeless if you don't have a fixed address you are homeless. I don't see it as a bad thing necessarily it depends on your perspective I suppose.

I have known for a very long while I'm not like other people and I'm a little screwy, contrary and can be prickly. Which is tough on people who are close to me. I could chill the fuck out and I do from time to time just after awhile keeping my trap shut gets on my nerves and I open my mouth and then I'm the villain. I've said it before and I'll say it again so I'll be the villain.

I'm prattling on here and I'm trying to say is that I know I'm screwed up. I desperately need something new in my life. Not a full time over night woman, I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer I need.
Make no mistakes a PRN woman would be fine by me, trouble is those tend to want to make it a full time position after awhile. A change of location would only be a temp fix and not the answer either.

So what do I do? Well the typical middle aged thing to do is go out and buy a sports car and get a girlfriend 20 years + younger than you. I ain't typical in a few ways so I suppose I'll just embrace my damn weary contrary weirdness and shuffle forward. Maybe just maybe If I play my cards right I'll get my tiny house in the woods, live my life in peace and die in my sleep before I get too old and feeble.


Lifted from zen pencils

I got some things to do today like driving to the northside of the perimeter and spending my paltry REI dividend and start on my summer online class. Thanks for reading.

Late Spring early Summer

The semester wrapped up with good grades, that's always a plus. I decided for my 45th b-day to head over to a newish trail and ride. It was a mistake. I forgot that riding a new trail can be tough on the body esp if it has been hand cut. I can see that this particular trail has potential I just was not feeling it. It was laso my first ride since my freak arm injury 8 maybe 10 weeks ago. I am totally out of shape and my arm was really aching by the time I finished. I wanted to stop before the pain got to be unbearable. I'm at a loss I have given the arm a ton of rest yet I still get these weird pains all over my arm.

I should go to a doctor. I am one of the 10% in the USA now who does not have health care coverage. I am not saying this to open up a debate about health care in our country just stating a simple fact. So needless to say being a student and PRN EMT really hurts in the old wallet sometimes as well as the right arm.

So what have I been doing in the mean time. Well I have been putting off training for work most of the semester so I had to do that. With that mostly wrapped up I have been hanging out at Mom's place sleeping late, watching videos on the old internets and reading a lot. I did go through the shed and get rid of a ton of old bicycle parts and jerseys to SoPo bikes. I do that from time to time when I have the chance. There was nearly a shed full of bicycle related stuff at my Mom's place. It's nearly all gone now.

I unloaded it because I don't have any use for the myriad of crap I had and because that shed up until recently was a type of sanctuary. It is no longer because family decided to put lawn tools inside same shed. And we have had discussions of putting spare furniture up there. Yet another reason why I need my own place.

Mostly I am avoiding life and all that entails because my arm is fucked up which blew all my big plans for the summer right out of the water. I suppose I could take up hiking or running again. I'm just being lazy and throwing a small solo pity party for myself. I have grown tired of so many things in my life at the moment.

I have been hanging out with a couple of old neighborhood friends. One has came back from Fla. the D-man. He and I are kind of kindred spirits and I feel since hanging out with him I do not feel so isolated here now. We'll see how that goes. Nothing much more to write on at the moment. Thanks for reading.

Sentimental

I have currently semi-locked my self down in my room until May 5th. That's the day both my finals are on. Yes, I have left a time or two to mail some stuff off to friends. During my study breaks I am cleaning off my bookshelves and deciding on what books to send to people or donate to a local library. I have done a decent job with it so far. I'm really trying to cut down a lot of my clutter because I have plans on moving most of my stuff into a storage place close to here sometime in the next month or so,

I forget that I put pictures and notes between my books. I should remember it, I just never do. I don't know why I do it it's just a silly thing I picked up along the way. The reason I am mentioning this is because this pic fell out on to the floor at my feet today:

Immediately my heart both leaped and sank. This dear friends and readers is a pic of my last girlfriend. A great woman to say the least. I made a lot of mistakes and things were said and done that I cannot change or take back. Feelings were hurt. Hopes were raised and crushed under the weight of what could have been. I attempted to fix things a few times after we broke up only to have every attempt stillborn. We stayed in touch, we were friends and things kind of faded, during that time more mistakes were made by me because I knew I still had feelings for her. It was literally all my fault.

The ex-gfriend? as far as I know she moved on. I sent her a text a few months ago just to say hi and she told me she was heading out the door for a date. I believe I drank some bourbon that night. Not too long after I sent a post card or two from the road during spring break in North Georgia and Tennessee. Never did hear back from her.  She's gone and I still miss her even though we have not talked in a very long time. I can be a sentimental sucker if the right thing falls to my feet like it did this morning.

I resist just calling or texting because, despite feelings I do not want to make the same mistakes I made with her in the past. I hurt her she's protecting herself, that's what I gathered. I should move on and come to a realization or two about myself and my own life when it comes to being with someone that I'm prob better off being by myself that way no one gets hurt and I don't lose hours thinking it through.

It's tough for me not to dwell on this because of myself imposed study sessions and because in just a few days until I turn 45. No matter what anyone says it's hard not to be introspective around birthdays as you get older. Which ties into a fave song:

I'll wrap up here and get to studying for my finals I've been putting it off most of the day. Thanks for reading.

Song that's stuck in my head

IMO this is a pretty good song to get stuck in there.

Me arm is betterish. Thoughts on personal space. Consuming technology

I have not posted in nearly two weeks for the simple reason there ain't much to say out side of "My right arm really fucking hurts!" So much so that i did not study for a Biology lab exam and promptly failed it. Fortunately my grade is good enough in there so I won't have to sweat failing the course.

The use of my right arm is limited so either I type and rest or hand write and rest. The last two weeks I have been hand writing and resting. I have had to work with this injury which has made that side of my life interesting. Riding even on a trainer has been completely out for the last 5 count 'em FIVE weeks. Needless to say that energy has gone into eating cookies and store bought brownies which has not helped the waistline at all.

My fitness plan is thoroughly scrapped, it seems like my semi-plan to take a couple of months off and head out to Colorado, Wyoming and Utah has been scrapped. The reason why is because even though the arm feels better now I don't want to run the risk of inflaming this injury further and having a longer recovery. I have cut down on the anti-inflammatory meds and am now only taking naproxin in the morning and at night with a couple of doses of tyl in between. A HUGE turn around from q 4 hrs IBU and TYL with frequent use of the TENS unit. Lately I have been tempted to say:

I've resisted because of what I said earlier and the recent rain storms have made the trails fairly soggy. I promised myself that today I would get on the trainer today and ride sitting up with no pressure on the hands. I still feel a knot (a hematoma perhaps?) in my lateral bicep. I have no idea what it is it's conjecture on my part even though my back ground is in EMS. It's neither here nor there.

Besides studies and catching up on serial TV (True Detective) it has given my mind a chance to wander some. One thing that my mind has wandered to is a little thing I'd like to call space, as in personal space. One of the common themes this blog has had since coming back to Georgia is my near constant whine of lack of personal space, I live with my sister and her family at the moment. It's an OK set up there are times when I wish I had room to build a climbing wall without asking for permission or having younger nephew tear it up as his unresponsible near 20 year old self is want to do. Having a coat of saw dust on my bikes is a minor annoyance as well. Something like drinking a beer while grilling out is strictly verboten because of strict christian beliefs that both my sister and mother have. Even if I could in typical southern fashion I would get whispers that I was drinking too much and an alcoholic, go figure. Which restricts other things I'd like to do as well which is brew beer. Their houses their rules I understand it all too well. Living on my own got me used to doing things and not being questioned out of "concern".

It evens out I suppose I get to use BIL's tools and pick his brain for various truck projects. It makes taking care of Mom easier because I don't have to wait on a call to figure out how to do coordinate with big sis. Trust me I TIRE of having to find big sis every week to tell and get the latest on Mom. I don't have to sweat buying groceries and I even get a home cooked meal a few times a week.I appreciate all that my family has done to support me I just tire of the family politics and hurt feelings when I speak my mind.

I have looked on with great envy the studios and garages friends have to do their own art and projects. Lately I have thought of getting my own "space" which would be a storage space. One of the common complaints around the house is that we're running out of space. If I rented a storage space that was climate controlled. I could move my bikes there and build a little indoor climbing spot and brew beer all in peace. I have an idea or two along those lines. I have railed on storage spaces in the past because of our consumer society. I recently helped a couple of friends pack to move to San Francisco from Georgia, they had TWO storage spots and filled up half a trailer (26 feet total) of their shit. It was a good time with good friends but sheesh what a nightmare of consumerism.

I have not thought it all the way through just yet. I'm partly tempted to just start building a tiny house on a trailer and finding land to rent that way I'd have a home and space. Problem though is even this cheap alternative is out of my reach plus where do I build it at? I've been tempted to ask a friend or two to loan space or rent space from them thing is that it's just awkward. Another thing is just a place to consolidate crap to dispose of it. I got bicycle tools and bicycle related stuff up at moms. Then all the crap I have down here, sheets of plywood that I should return that I'd rather use to build something with, jump seats out of the back of the truck, bed liner and tonneau cover for the same, etc I could go on and on. It'd be nice to put shit someplace without getting the raised eyebrow from someone or being asked out of "concern". I'll think on it some more and look at a few places around here. The thing I want to avoid is having everyone in my family say..."Oh you have a storage space? Can we just put (insert item) there for a little while?" My family is not horrible they are just family. I think they really don't understand me.

Like I said it gives me something to mull over.

Speaking of consumerism. I finally called it on my rugged albeit slow casio commando. A week or so ago on a good day with my arm I went to my local cell phone provider and chatted up the crew there.After seeing the awful performance of this phone they mercifully agreed to let me upgrade early then proceeded to read my mind and throw in a life proof case and a cheap tablet to boot. I had A LOT of frustration with my phone on my short spring break trip. It could barely do one thing like texting without crashing so imagine trying to listen to music and use GPS on the thing. Forget about checking the weather. I walked out with a deal on an S5 because the S6's are coming out soon. I'm happyish with the phone it's way bigger than I want but that's the way things are going now a days. We'll see how it holds up here soon.

Well folks that's about all I have time for today. I made it a point to get up early and write some today. I'll leave you with this from the wonderful interwebs:

Thanks for reading

Calling Fool...Mr. April Fool.

The humor is strong with these guys. Strong work Yeti coolers.

the folks at biolite are getting in on the action

Since I mentioned the ridicooler well we have to have something to put in it:

Coors Energy Beer

If I run across more I'll post them here.

Self diagnosed spring injury

It's been a week since my last entry and some small progress has been made in healing of my mysterious arm injury. Since I am writing it means it's gotten a little bit better. I'm not riding so I've had time to think on this injury some. At first I thought it was a bulging disc or a pinched nerve in my neck since I could not feel my right thumb and index fingers for a couple of days. Also I have lost strength in that arm by I reckon 20-25%. I ruled that out because I have constant point tenderness in the lateral aspect of my right humerus. I can feel some minor swelling in the area nothing noticeable to the naked eye. I figured that much of my initial pain was from minor bone crepitus and muscle spasm.

I came to the conclusion without consulting a doctor or doing xrays that I took a fall a little while back and got a hairline fracture someplace in my right humerus. I mistook the pain of that fall for arthritic pain in my right elbow. It was not exacerbated because I ride one day, rest one day and ride the next. Well riding three days in a row two of which were on a rigid single speed and sleeping in the back of my truck during some time off from school was enough to really do it. I've been an EMT long enough to know that little is done for a hairline fracture, most times we don't know we have them or if you're stupid like me just blow it off as pain associated with a somewhat active lifestyle. What I would have been told is wear a sling, rest, don't ride for 6-8 weeks, Ice therapy for swelling, anti-inflammatory meds for pain and if the numbness and weakness worsens in my hand and arm to get in touch with the doc.

Well I'm doing most of that just not wearing a sling. I am also using a TENS unit borrowed from BIL for pain control initially and now I just use it when I "try" to sleep. The tens unit has been a real sanity saver. I've seen tens units a fair amount in my working history and thought if they worked for an individual patient then good for them. Trying to sleep while getting a mild electric shock is a challenge, you get use to anything I suppose. My goal as always is to stay away form narcotics (cause they make me vomit uncontrollably) and keep the use of anti-inflammatory meds to a minimum to save my liver and renal functions as much as possible. I only take anti-inflammatory meds now when I wake up and before I try to sleep.

All this is happening in my dominant right arm which makes certain things a challenge. I cannot pick anything of any real weight with my right arm because of the immediate pain and the pain that I know will come later. Because of the challenge of sleep I nap throughout the day which is fine and quite zen. It's fine with the school schedule, I have work next week with a CPR recert so those days will be challenges. Nothing I can't get through I suppose.

So where does this leave me? Well when I tick off 6-8 weeks of no riding that puts me into late April/early May time frame. I was hoping by then to be in pretty decent riding shape by then. Now I am forced to ride a trainer sitting up with no pressure on the hands at all so no getting into the bends or resting on the hoods even. I have not crawled onto the trainer yet I wanted to give it another week or two before I started back. My summer out west is a big question mark right now. The very last thing I want to do is get out there and have an injury get worse and not be able to do dick and have to drive back across country early. In short I'm trying hard to be a good patient to myself.

I have not unloaded the truck since I have been back because of this issue and I really should. I can do very little I find. I suppose I could do some light walking or hiking which is a thought I suppose it just feels lame. I suppose it's better than sitting around stuffing my face with store bought brownies all day. I'll swing by the drug store and pick up a sling for when I walk so my arm is not jarred around so much.

I have a couple of sheets of 3/4 inch plywood I either need to return to the hardware store or make into a small bouldering wall, oh and I'd need permission to build such a thing here at big sister's place. Ugh, I really need to get a little place of my own. Either task requires a functioning relatively pain free arm. The truck for summer trips is pretty much done. Now I have issues with a mysterious vibration in the rear end which I need to get looked at sooner rather than later. I would have by now it's just that the auto mechanic that I use is out because of his recent hip surgery. So goes life.

I figure that's about it for now. Cycling for the most part will be put on a side burner for a bit, so prepare yourselves for a many "Head full of weird" entries.  Thanks for reading.