Malaise

Like the Jimmy Carter presidency. 

Lately I have had a bout of being unmotivated and just plain lazy concerning work in general and school projects. I won’t go into them here but it’s been pretty much “Why should I give a fuck when nothing I do matters.” I’ve suffered with this type of malaise before, it’s never productive. I’ve been fighting this for a few weeks now and a recent negative experience concerning school has not helped. I’m looking for a sign or some great piece of advice but I fear I may not find it. 

I have taken charge of my life and started running and riding again. I started back on the Zombie’s Run! 5K program again. I am covering the same ground with the program I did a few months ago but now I have time to actually not feel the crush of school work rushing me through the run.  There are 3 running workouts a week, when I stopped a few months ago I had finished through week 5.1 and was primed to do work out 5.2. That’s week five workout two. Well my anal retentive obsession with school took over and I made myself busy with class. 

Anyways that was then this is now. I am now at ZR5K 2.3, it’s a hoot even though it’s all repeats for me up until 5.2 but worth it as far as I am concerned. I’m determined to finish this running program before the summer. It’s not pretty when I run but at least I’m out there slugging it out the warthog that I am, trust me I am far from the ‘hakuna matata’ disney horseshit. I got plenty o’ worries trust me.  

I have also climbed back onto the road bike via the trainer or as I call it the “pain train” I’m doing that twice a week, it too is an 8 week program that just fuckin’ HURTS. Its interval training that can last well over an hour. That program I swear by, I have been through this dvd trainer program all the way a couple of times. By the time I finish it I am a cycling BEAST. BIL and youngest nephew tried to bust my balls over not riding outside during the warm months. I told them simply that this program is more concentrated than just tooling around outside on the bike.  I’m starting to get results my legs are feeling stronger. 

I’m only 2-3 weeks into both programs, physically I feel better. Since I have free time I have done some research on other programs and got interested in the Go Ruck programs. What I gather it’s a day long episode of getting worked to TMF (total muscle failure) by ex-military types. If you’ve ever watched “Surviving the Cut” then you have a pretty clear picture of what I’m talking about at least in the physical training aspect which from what I have seen and read is mostly what the Go Ruck courses are about. I’m interested but I’m not chomping at the bit to do this well over day long torture fest. Until I decide what I’m gonna do about school after fall ’13 semester I’m not going to commit to such a thing.

I’d probably wanna and would do it solo. I have learned recently that I cannot rely on anyone around here to join me on any kind of adventures. Whether that be doing the warrior dash, going to grab a beer after work or going to a park in the A-T-L for a festival.  So I’ll do all this shit on my own from now on. I thought if I showed some folks some kindness and consideration that I would get that in return. Instead I get flakiness and folks being rather stand offish. Not that I am going to pay money for anything now until I decide on nursing school. Once I commit fully to nursing school paying to do anything besides school during the semester is out.  I learned that lesson with warrior dash this year. I get flakiness from not only the couple of work friends (that’s right two) I have left but old neighborhood friends and the ex-girlfriend who I made an effort to patch things up with, so much for all those hassles with those folks, I’m slogging on.

 I take comfort in this:

I’m on my own down here in rural Georgia but with that come certain advantages. One is that Older Sis has a small amount of land that I can just run on and find new ways to torture myself with, creek runs and draining the stagnant unused pool with a bucket come to mind. I also have access to a lot of places where there ain’t many people around and lots of country dirt and gravel road which means eventually gravel grinders on the red surly cross check. They are not up my ass about anything and I am thankful for that at least I get some peace in my life unlike whenever I spend any time at Mom’s place. I don’t feel like being even more depressed so I’ll only scratch the surface here.

That will change soon for about a month starting in July despite my better judgment, I’ll be spending weekends at my mom’s place so I can do weekend shifts at BCH. I’d like to do one big camping trip up to Asheville before the semester begins. In order to have money for that I’m going to be working every Saturday and Sunday in July and the first weekend in August. It’s just under 300 miles to Asheville and a very doable trip. I figure I’m getting into some semblance of shape so I should have a goal, MTB trip to Asheville seems appropriate. Being negative and selfish here, I half expect something to come up to fuck up my training and derail plans to Asheville. 

This is the first time in over a year I have had time to myself without someone pulling on my sleeve for something. I have found I am protective of this time I have. Nothing I do for or with anyone else matters a damn so I have relearned as of late so I might as well concentrate on me at least I’ll appreciate the effort. I hope to be able to finish my 8 weeks programs; I hope July and early August don’t drive me bonkers, I hope to go forward with school. I hope.

Thanks for reading.