Sentimental

I have currently semi-locked my self down in my room until May 5th. That's the day both my finals are on. Yes, I have left a time or two to mail some stuff off to friends. During my study breaks I am cleaning off my bookshelves and deciding on what books to send to people or donate to a local library. I have done a decent job with it so far. I'm really trying to cut down a lot of my clutter because I have plans on moving most of my stuff into a storage place close to here sometime in the next month or so,

I forget that I put pictures and notes between my books. I should remember it, I just never do. I don't know why I do it it's just a silly thing I picked up along the way. The reason I am mentioning this is because this pic fell out on to the floor at my feet today:

Immediately my heart both leaped and sank. This dear friends and readers is a pic of my last girlfriend. A great woman to say the least. I made a lot of mistakes and things were said and done that I cannot change or take back. Feelings were hurt. Hopes were raised and crushed under the weight of what could have been. I attempted to fix things a few times after we broke up only to have every attempt stillborn. We stayed in touch, we were friends and things kind of faded, during that time more mistakes were made by me because I knew I still had feelings for her. It was literally all my fault.

The ex-gfriend? as far as I know she moved on. I sent her a text a few months ago just to say hi and she told me she was heading out the door for a date. I believe I drank some bourbon that night. Not too long after I sent a post card or two from the road during spring break in North Georgia and Tennessee. Never did hear back from her.  She's gone and I still miss her even though we have not talked in a very long time. I can be a sentimental sucker if the right thing falls to my feet like it did this morning.

I resist just calling or texting because, despite feelings I do not want to make the same mistakes I made with her in the past. I hurt her she's protecting herself, that's what I gathered. I should move on and come to a realization or two about myself and my own life when it comes to being with someone that I'm prob better off being by myself that way no one gets hurt and I don't lose hours thinking it through.

It's tough for me not to dwell on this because of myself imposed study sessions and because in just a few days until I turn 45. No matter what anyone says it's hard not to be introspective around birthdays as you get older. Which ties into a fave song:

I'll wrap up here and get to studying for my finals I've been putting it off most of the day. Thanks for reading.